Posted by Dave on August 17, 2010
riding mower
It has been said that necessity is the mother of all invention. If so, I think the combination of laziness and beer must come in a close second. I think the contraption shown here is the most ingenious thing I have ever seen (ya’ know, other than my computer, the electricity making it run and the human body, yadda, yadda, ya…). I ask you, who has more of the aforementioned combination of necessity, laziness and beer than North America’s redneck?
Clearly, a hard-working, hard-resting, God-fearing redneck without the financial wherewithal to acquire some mad-fangled riding lawnmower contrived this beautiful solution. Genius, I tell you. By employing some gears and pedal-power a standard reel mower is transformed into a veritable gobbler of grass (I am assuming, anyway). And during times of recession this is exactly the sort of ingenuity we need.
Who do you think invented the brick in the toilet tank? Some Yankee do-gooder? (well, maybe.) What about the beverage koozie? huh? Who knows what great discovery the back woods will release on an unsuspecting world. I can barely breathe for the suspense.
Posted by Dave on April 16, 2010
The Harris Tweed Shop
The textile and clothing industry, like every industry, has been facing the green facts. Cotton, the big fiber on the block, is taking its hits. Being half granola and half redneck myself I can feel both sides of the issue. My father and grandfather supported themselves with cotton, yet I like to strut around in nothing but hemp. Good enough.
But as it turns out, cotton makes wonderfully soft and affordable clothing while using relatively high levels of chemicals, resources from the soil and lots of water (during growth and processing). But, if we know all this about cotton, why do we still wear so much of it, and more importantly, why do we keep so much more of it hanging in our closets and tucked into our dressers? Most of us keep buying clothes as if we intend to throw away a brand new green suit once it gets its first bit of pheasant blood on it. Sheesh.
Once again, we can learn something here from our Redneck brothers (I’m not so sure about sisters). Rednecks are particular about their clothing. It has to be functional and affordable. And now, I’m not making light. These are two very serious considerations in clothing that I am not so sure civil folk understand. For a redneck shopper these two dueling forces create a dilemma kin with taming the jackalope. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by Dave on November 19, 2009
I realize the title of this blog could go in different directions. That’s good for the
Reclining Toilet by Downtowngal
imagination. And a recent toilet snafu has left me exercising my imagination as well. I manage a house that has 5 toilets in it. That’s a lot of shiz, a lot of flushing, and a lot of things to go wrong. A couple of weeks ago the last of my “jet-pack” toilets (you know, the kind in public restrooms that would frighten the piss out of you if you hadn’t just voluntarily evacuated it) finally lost its flush and had to go.
The problem is, I don’t have access to the ranch truck anymore, I live in a city and I drive a Honda Civic. I can fit my tools in the trunk, but not a broken down toilet. Clearly you can see my dilemma. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by Dave on May 6, 2009
I remember a time when stuff used to be done with a creative combination of craft, human dexterity, ingenuity and the computing force of the human mind. When the final product rose triumphantly out of its raw materials the creator knew exactly what it contained and what it was capable of and how to keep it capable of that. Now it is only a matter of time before we look to John Connor to deliver us. I realize Connor isn’t a stereotypical redneck, but he’s a redneck stuck in a suburban rat body (play along, come on).
Seriously, am I the only one who remembers such UIL competitions as “Number Sense?” WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by Dave on May 4, 2009
When did it happen that most Citizens of the U.S. lost the ability to grow or find their own food without having a kazillion other people involved in a half-dozen different stages of bringing it to them? When did we lose the ability to get to work without highly trained specialists to insure we can get there? When did each of us get so highly important and specialized that no one could possibly replace us? How many times this week have you used the word niche in a conversation?
It’s getting worse isn’t it? I know, its probably my fault. My grandfather could palpate a cow, WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by Dave on April 28, 2009
You’ve never really been outdoors until you’ve been blessed to hear the gentle and drunken midnight-laughter of a gaggle of rednecks in the woods.
Now I realize that if you have spent much time in the wilderness then you have probably stumbled upon the remains of a redneck circle and might have been disgusted at what you saw. Tell tale signs of a redneck circle may include such items (but not limited to) Pabst Blue Ribbon cans, spent shotgun shells, rifle casings, dried vomit and empty containers of assorted propellants. But let’s not leap to judgment here. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by Dave on April 26, 2009
Homes never smell like vinegar baths anymore. When I was a wee one there was an informal holiday around my house that I guess could have been remembered as “Canning 
Day.” Much of this holiday’s kitchen rituals remained a mystery to me, but the days leading up to the “great pot” were like Easter and a safari combined. It was my job to roam the hills or the draws harvesting anything from wild plums to mustang grapes. Then, through a vinegar haze, these wild gems somehow became jam.
These efforts at gathering in the wild crops from the creek and bramble are only one branch of the redneck supported agricultural tree (which has now become endangered). The second, and more important, is gleaning. Some today might call this stealing, but come on.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by Dave on April 19, 2009
I know that the Mike Judge’s cartoon, “King of the Hill” is ridiculous in innumerable ways, but it is also extremely accurate in its portrayal of the culture in which I grew up. One element of this culture that I have come to recognize as quite remarkable and wonderful is the redneck rhythm.
Since roaming far and wide from my boisterous cousins back home I have spent much time in search of a healthy rhythm of life. You know, a regular and constant way of living that is sustainable at its core — both productive and inspiring while being restful and reflective at the same time. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by Dave on April 8, 2009
Calf fry anyone? Do you think Obama knows what a Rocky Mountain Oyster is? Cause I think it might be time for a little testicle festival. I hope it is o.k. that I cross politics with sustainability for this blog entry. Hey, there should be such a thing as sustainable politics, shouldn’t there? WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by Dave on
If there is one thing that Rednecks, Granolas and Mormons have in common it is their love for sticking it to the man and their affinity for a little Armageddon. Well I guess that is two things, and who doesn’t like sticking it to the man, except for all the regular joe shmoe, middle aged, white, males out there that are the man? I have to face it. In another 10 years or so I will be a little “Man” in training if I can ever make any money or gain any power.
Anyway, Granolas come at the end times a little less “religiously,” but just as dogmatically. For any good granola the end is near due to man’s incessant and beastly abuse of the earth. For Mormons and Rednecks the end is near because of damn gentiles and damn liberals, respectively. But, the results can be the same for all three groups. They know how to make the most out of a little and are ready to do so after civilization falls. Whether you are in the wilderess of Texas, Montana, Oregon or Utah you are likely to find the “off-griders,” or as I will refer to them in a coming blog, “The bunker nuts and belly-achers.” Full disclosure at this point requires that I share with you, the reader, just how tempted I am to become one. But as of this point I still own a traditional home connected to the grid here in SLC. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
