Redneck Sustainability: The Apocalypse

Posted by Dave on April 8, 2009

If there is one thing that Rednecks, Granolas and Mormons have in common it is their love for sticking it to the man and their affinity for a little Armageddon.  Well I guess that is two things, and who doesn’t like sticking it to the man, except for all the regular joe shmoe, middle aged, white, males out there that are the man?  I have to face it.  In another 10 years or so I will be a little “Man” in training if I can ever make any money or gain any power.

Anyway, Granolas come at the end times a little less “religiously,” but just as dogmatically.  For any good granola the end is near due to man’s incessant and beastly abuse of the earth.  For Mormons and Rednecks the end is near because of damn gentiles and damn liberals, respectively.  But, the results can be the same for all three groups.  They know how to make the most out of a little and are ready to do so after civilization falls.  Whether you are in the wilderess of Texas, Montana, Oregon or Utah you are likely to find the “off-griders,” or as I will refer to them in a coming blog, “The bunker nuts and belly-achers.”  Full disclosure at this point requires that I share with you, the reader, just how tempted I am to become one.  But as of this point I still own a traditional home connected to the grid here in SLC.

These folks may be more granola or more redneck, but the truth is they live off of sustainability.  If one is preparing for the end of the world as we know it then one has to figure a way to get by in a pretty dang sustainable manner.  So the nut job who just built a place out beyond my parents new place that resembles a cement and steel bunker 40ft. below the surface of the ground running completely off of wind with a propane back-up might have something to teach us.  Of course he will hunt us all down and kill us if he finds out I mentioned him in this blog, but I’m pretty sure he would see it as a security risk to network his non-existent computer.  So I think we’re O.K.

But seriously, just how many oats should a sane individual keep in their basement?  Should I be concerned about learning to make my own soap, fuel, ammo and clothing?  Are we, here in the U.S., on the fast track to life Beyond the Thunderdome?  Or is this little slump we are in now going to pass like Y2k and all the rest?  I have a little garden, but it won’t last long if the Mormon church won’t take us Gentiles in after Big Brother falls to his knees and is beheaded.

Should we all be taking crash courses in Lunatic sustainability?  Or am I O.K. just recycling (even glass!) and using cloth diapers?  I could try planting hemp in my back yard.  Then I could make my own diapers, but I’m sure it’s illegal and…  There I go again, thinking like a norm.  I am not sure I have what it takes for the end times.  At least I can have a decent hope of orderliness here in Utah where I am sure the Nation of Deseret would find its feet pretty quickly if given the chance.